You Waltz Away LLC: Let me help you help yourself.

Previously, I posted about You Walk Away LLC, which is a foreclosure consulting service that provides foreclosure "protection" to troubled homeowners. Basically, I concluded that their $1195 Walk Away Protection Kit is a ripoff, since it yielded the same results as simply not paying the mortgage; eviction and a trashed credit report. This lead me to examine at the foreclosure process from the standpoint of the homeowner, to determine if more reasonable means of relief are available. What I determined is that the primary problem facing an overleveraged homeowner is the lack of home equity.

Fortunately, I have formulated a fool-proof solution. For a mere $795, my new program, You Waltz Away LLC, will guarantee that you sell your home for the principal of your mortgage, often within 1 week of enrollment. After pain-staking analysis, OSR Industries has developed a program that matches homeowners with motivated institutional buyers. Now, you're probably thinking, "How can you guarantee a buyer who will pay up to 30% over market value?" Well, the exact details of our system are proprietary, but for only $795, we'll send you the You Waltz Away Extraction Kit, which includes simple instructions that anyone can follow. The contents of this fantastic product are as follows:

1. Equity Restoration Reagent- The overwhelming success of this program is based on a synthetic breakthrough by OSR Laboratories. Using cutting edge combinational chemistry, we've isolated a reaction whose product is actually Home Equity. Simply apply the Equity Restoration Reagent liberally throughout your home, with an emphasis on rooms with significant electrical service, and wait for the magic to begin.

2. Counterparty Motivation Catalyst- Motivated institutional buyers are a key to the success of our program. The beauty of the You Waltz Away Extraction Kit is that you provide the motivation on your terms. Once you've decided to sell, simply combine the Equity Restoration Reagent with the Counterparty Motivation Catalyst and you're getting paid.

3. Hedging Strategy - Any successful investment strategy requires the effective management of risk. While the You Waltz Away Extraction Kit is virtually fool-proof, we've included a risk management system for the unlikely possibility of non-success. Remember, in the rare instances of failure, you will immediately qualify for relief under our warranty program.

4. Warranty- We guarantee that, if after using the You Waltz Away Extraction Kit, you will sell your home within 90 days for the amount of your mortgage. We are so convinced of this program's success that, if you are unsuccessful, we will provide you with free housing and board for the next, say, 10-15 years. You'll be housed in a luxury living community that caters to your every need, to include free laundry, prepared meals, gym access, and plenty of companionship, often with investors much like yourself. Think about it, what other foreclosure consultant can make that kind of claim?

In conclusion, I can't tell you how excited I am about this plan. So much so, that if you act now I'm willing to throw in the Almost Ouchless Employee Benefits Maximizer, which is a program that is guaranteed to give you 8-12 weeks of paid vacation every year. So what are you waiting, get out of that mortgage and start enjoying your life again!

1 comment:

  1. Noice. I wonder where the proposed program to bulldoze under the inventory overhang fits into this industry's landscape ;-)